Downhill slide

A few days ago I was doing what I normally do at night while waiting for my medicines to kick in and make me sleepy, I was checking Facebook. Upon scrolling down I saw an article on our State association page for a colleague indicted for theft. The picture was of half a face and I thought "Holy Cow, he looks old. How is he still one of us?". Then I read the few lines underneath...he was an old friend.

I don't mean the old I originally thought looking at a forehead and eyes. I mean from college. He was a few years ahead of me in our program. A friend, a mentor. He showed me the ropes, taught me things I would need to know, as did all the upperclassmen at the time. I spent time at his house, with his roommates and family for parties, or just to hang out. When he graduated, it was pre wide-spread computer use. Our college emails went out the window and, unless you had AOL, so did friendships. People went their own way. In our profession, we knew we'd see each other again at conventions, meetings, etc. We had met alumni from our university who had long since graduated while we were in school, so there was no doubt this would continue on past our collegiate years.

Only it didn't. He didn't attend conventions - state or national. He didn't come to alumni events. I heard through the rumor mill he'd gotten married. His old friends, who were like brothers, didn't hear from him often either. I saw him years ago at a state meeting and was thrilled. He didn't seem as enthused. We talked a little. He had a daughter. His brother had gotten married and he was changing jobs. We never spoke again.

The picture, headline and ensuing story hit me like a ton of bricks. Sadness and shock. How did he get to that place? After a few days I still can't wrap my head around it. I know morals vary from person to person. Mine are rock solid in the stealing department. I live firmly in the do unto others rule, even if at times my emotions and brain conflict. Sometimes I WANT to do unto others, but my emotions are betraying me. It creates great inner turmoil, until the emotions pass and Golden Rule prevails. On taking money or property from others, I have no conflict. I don't want it done to me. I don't do it to others. I have one instance of having something stolen. It was my own fault and I still have nightmares about it. My grandmother, said "they must need it more than you.". Which gave me an ounce of comfort, but it was mine, not theirs and I wanted it.

I know there must be a million reasons how it started for him. A few dollars here, then it became easy. How do you get to the point in where starting even seems like an option? I am sad for him. Sad to see him slide from the golden child in a college program to prisoner. It seems likely he will do time. Time that seems so precious to me lately. I am sure he is relieved it is over. I've often heard that in deceit, lies and cover-ups the criminal is relieved when it is finally ended. I feel sorry for his daughter. Kids can be cruel and she will be without a father for some time. I emailed a few of our old friends. The reactions were all the same. Shock and sadness. I hope he knows we're thinking of him. Wondering how it happened and hoping he can make it right from here out. Rooting for him to overcome. He was our friend.

Being Un-stuck

I read an article/blog this week on about Feeling Stuck . In it, Ms. Dunn talks about an exercise to break you out of your stuckness. (My blog, my made up words.) She says to sit down for 20 minutes and write about what you want to do, who you want to meet, careers you want to have, etc.

I laughed out loud. I've done this "exercise" unknowingly for the last 30 years. For 15 of those, I would've knocked out 100 things on my list in way under the allotted time. Over the last 10 plus, I might struggle to get to 5. Maybe it's just the place I am in life. The hope I had as a teenager has turned to a mix of cynicism and realism. I miss that girl. She had life. Pizazz. She knew there was a great life ahead of her and couldn't wait to get to it. Vivacious. I'm glad this me wasn't around to squash her. It's nice to be optimistic and not only hope, but know there is better ahead. This time will pass and the good things will come. If that me could see the way life turned out, I'd be crushed to watch the light in her eyes explode into millions of pieces to be left by the black hole of hopelessness.

I decided to try again. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could come up with those things given the focus and time. I set a timer. I sat down and when the ding rang out my page was empty. There's something to be said for knowing yourself, even when it's disappointing. The career thoughts have been replaced by the knowledge that the time and money to get there are improbable in my current life. (Yes, I know about student loans. The thought of taking on more debt and TONS of it is not in the cards. Neither are the years without income to get it done. Even class by class while working would take creative scheduling and about as many years as I have until retirement. A career has never been a want of mine.) There are no people I am even remotely interested in meeting.

The what I want is interesting. I am sure there ARE things I want, just not sure what they are...especially in 20 minutes. The things that come to mind have eluded me and any remaining hope I had for them in my life flickered out this year. I have let them go. What remains is the wreckage of a ship, drifting along in the direction the tide takes it. Unable to adjust, it floats along, bearing the storms to stay adrift no longer caring if it gets where it was once headed. Just ebbing and flowing until it finally comes to rest.

They say life is about the journey. I can't worry anymore about the destination. I don't have it in me. In the week since I tried to un-stick myself, I have found 2 things to add to the list. I'm keeping it up on the fridge, hoping more comes to mind. If I ever get to 100, I'll let you know. Right now I'm just going where the tide takes me.

Vega-Vita-whateverIam

A year ago at around Valentine's Day I decided to give up meat. There was no epiphany. No ASPCA/PETA moment of aha love of animals. No growing of the armhairs, not showering stuff. It unfolded in a slow deterioration of "this is too hard".

If you have to point to an "aha" moment it was 7th grade science class. We dissected chicken breasts. Out of a container. From the same grocery where my mom bought her chicken breasts. The light bulb went off as to what I was actually eating because I had to pull out and anatomically label every last bit of my "food". I ate very little chicken after that. Ever. And that's what it boils down to when all is said and done. If I eat food and it reminds me where it came from I can't eat it anymore. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm cerebral.

Back to Valentine's Day 2014. I decided maybe I'd like meat more if I ate the "good stuff".  I went to Whole Foods. Bought a grass-fed, organic, blah, blah, blah roast. Feeling proud of myself, I took it home and crock pot'd that sucker. It smelled wonderful. I took it out after the allotted time. It was full of stuff I had to cut out b/c it reminded me of where it came from...and it was the toughest roast I ever tried to eat. I choked down a dinner's worth, but by the end was having trouble even swallowing it thinking about what I'd cut out. Most of the expensive, "good stuff" roast ended up in the garbage. I lamented to my mother how hard it was to force myself to eat meat. Me - "It's not like I can eat beans and rice for the rest of my life!" Mom - "why not? Lots of people do."

*cue the heavenly aha moment music*

So, I decided to ride the beans and rice wave where it took me. Here I am, almost 1 year later. Sure I had some corned beef on St. Patty's Day and what would a baseball game be without a hot dog. And sometimes, well, a veggie burger just isn't gonna cut it. I'd say the meat days over the last year total between 5-10. I eat a lot of the same things at home and love when restaurants offer veggie options that go beyond pasta and salad. I could spend EONS talking about foods I don't eat and why (some of them to my sister's anti-bodily function talk chagrin), but this one bears some repeating.

And, repeating. And repeating. I became that person. I've said the phrase "I don't eat meat" more times then even I'm comfortable with. When you are almost 40 and *voila* give up meat, it takes a bit of explaining - to friends, family (no, Mom and Dad, the Turkey Burger isn't a no-meat option) and to my high school kids who can't fathom a life with no McDonald's. I refrain from "Vegetarian" because I have no moral objection to meat and will eat it if I must. I just mostly don't. It's harder, I think, for people to grasp that I just don't like it. They'd rather I had a moral objection. Maybe that's my almost 40 year old epiphany. I'm just gonna stop doing things I don't like, if I can. Bring on the beans and rice!

It's Fricken Freezing, Mr Bigglesworth

It's cold. Not just "Hey put on a jacket" cold, but "run to the car before your nose freezes and shatters" cold. Every Winter I re-evaluate why I live in the Northeast. I'm not a cold weather person. Snow is pretty, but the pretty lasts about 5 minutes after it stops. Then the snow shovels, plows, snow blowers, salt trucks, etc come out and it's just a hassle.

Maybe it's a reminder to the world to slow down. Drive slower, appreciate life. Whatever. I slow down to almost not moving at all. In fact, I stay in bed for waaay too long. I lounge around under blankets on my couch when I'm awake b/c frankly, it's too darn cold to move.

I'm a really good summer person. Productive, fun, happy. Stands to reason I should live somewhere "summery" almost year round. But I don't. This is where I was born, where we moved back to live and be surrounded by family. Where I got tired of running and put down roots to try and keep myself in one place. Where I have no backed myself into a financial and practical place, so even if I wanted to run "warm", I can't.

So, I'll snuggle into my blankets. Enjoy the down time with the urchins. Go with the slower pace of my life in the winter being unproductive and borderline hibernating. Stay warm, my friends.

New Year's REsolutions

I've decided to make a few resolutions in 2015. One is this blog. I keep having "posts" in my head and never sit down to write them out. Gonna try and do this more often, so here goes nothin.

And now, my 2015 resolutions

1. Waste less food. I guess after all this time on my own, I need to come to the realization that I am not a family of 4. I do not need to make an entire box of spaghetti for just me. I am ADD. This goes for food as well. You know that "What one food would you eat for the rest of your life?" question? I suck at it. Truth about me is, I could never eat one food for the rest of my life. I get bored. It's not appealing and then sometimes I'd rather not eat then eat the box of spaghetti for the 100 time in a week b/c I made it and it's gonna go bad. The problem with being food ADD is I grocery shop and buy myself options. Then, as the week goes on, I don't feel like cooking whatever I had planned on b/c what appealed to me Sunday at the grocery store is not tickling my fancy on Wednesday when I was supposed to cook it. It may take some trying, but I'm willing to not have to throw things out each week. I always feel so guilty.
2. Read more. I like to read. I'm a fan of mysteries. I like who-done-its. I like relatable characters. Throw in a little romance between two likeable characters and I'm in til the end. I don't get many chunks of time in my life and sometimes, I'm lucky if I commit to reading a magazine. Between the lovely Facebook, Pinterest, work and t.v. the mindpower to read a book gets taken over by the brainless activities and fulfillment of connecting with friends through airwaves instead. 
3. Care less. Sounds a little harsh, right? This year I've figured out that I spend energy in my life caring about the wrong things (to an extent). The last two months running George to every vet in 2 states, the holidays passed me by. I didn't get to send the cards I always send and enjoy sending. Each card I received was a little "nah nah" to the part of me holding on to the "failure" I feel for not sending them this year. I want to be the person who gives little thoughtful gifts to the people who I care about. I got 3 such gifts from people and it still bothers me. I love their gifts and thoughtfulness, almost to the point of tears. Tears, not for the gifts, but b/c I didn't get them anything and I wanted to. And I see the faces of the few others I wanted to gift and didn't and it haunts me. I still could I guess, but I want to care less. Care less about the things at work I can't control. Care less about the things in my life that have gone wrong over my 39 years. Care Less about the things in my life that just haven't turned out the way I always thought they would. Care less about the things in my life that don't get done. As the lovely Idrina Menzel sings, I just need to "Let It Go".
4. Be more adult. At some point in my life, adult things have to take priority. So far, in the 26 year old state I'm perpetually stuck in, I manage to pay bills, grocery shop and get my laundry done. Unfortunately, being an adult requires more than that. I need to figure out the housecleaning on a consistent basis (since I have no maid, or have yet to hit the lottery). The bedroom that was a family joke at 18, should've changed by now. Clothes go in closets and laundry baskets, not on dresser tops and floors. I need to force these things to happen, because I'm the adult and the only one who's gonna do them.

Just the 4. Should be easy enough. Maybe I'm overextending myself, but something has to change. The new year is as good a time as any.